Coyote Love is the term for when, waking up after sex, you find yourself trapped under your partner and rather than wake him or her up, you gnaw off your arm to escape. Either sex can find themselves in this situation, of course, but only women are allowed to complain afterwards that they were coerced into the situation. Naturally, in this age of technology, there's now A must-have for young men who wish to engage in casual sex. While inebriated women are deemed incapable of consenting to sex and can bring their regret and complaint days, weeks, even years after their fling, their drunk male partners can be charged with rape, and thrown out of school or imprisoned. So every horny male who's inclined to engage in one of the most intimate of human relations with a complete stranger should load this ingenious app onto his phone. As the now-defunct organization, Boy Scouts of America used to urge, "be prepared".
Want to have random, meaningless sex with a stranger, but worried she might accuse you of rape when she wakes up the next morning with a hangover and realizes you’re ugly and she should have listened to that one religious friend who’s always talking about not hooking up with people she doesn't know? Don’t worry, there’s an app for that! It’s called uConsent. Here’s how it works:
Type in the sex act you want to perform with your potential hookup. Remember to be as graphically specific as possible to avoid all your weird fantasies being revealed later in court documents. (Much better to reveal them only to a total stranger in the bathroom of a nightclub which you stumbled into by mistake thinking it was the men’s room.) Then read what you wrote aloud (for optimal humiliation). Your partner types her answer to your request into her phone and a barcode is created. Tap your phones together (in an imitation of the act you are about to perform) and the information is stored to a secure cloud-based database (to be accessed at a later date by a potential employer).
Since hooking up with a stranger is the mark of a good feminist, but men are all monsters who might rape us at any minute, an app that requires written consent for sex is exactly the kind of mood-killing, fear-inducing sex aid every feminist needs. According to Forbes, consent apps are “unlikely to be seen by anyone as a bad thing.”
But the people who really benefit from apps like this, it seems to me, are creeps. All an ungentlemanly jerk needs to do is get a girl so drunk she has no idea where she is or what she’s doing (which shouldn’t be too hard in the age of getting-wasted-and-hooking-up-is-a-feminist-statement), have her download the app, “consent” to whatever weird thing you want her to do, and abracadabra your sleaziness just went legit.
But how could an app created in the name of feminism do anything other than uphold a woman’s right to act completely recklessly? Surely miscommunications arise during sexual encounters because men are pigs who don’t know how to take no for an answer. It couldn’t possibly be because two people who just met a minute and a half ago don’t actually know each other well enough to read each other's nonverbal cues. No, no, that can’t possibly be it.
If these consent apps have flaws, it must be because they don’t go far enough. Maybe, after you tap your phones together, a lawyer could suddenly pop out of your phone and sit quietly in the corner taking notes while you have sex. He wouldn’t interrupt, of course, just document everything you do in case you have to go to court. You wouldn’t even know he was there.