Only one of these stories can be found at the Babylon Bee

The Bee’s got an actual photo, so I’m going with them

Pedophilic sex offender released from prison because he’s decided he’s transgender, Fifteen victims, aged 1-13, but can’t be kept confined because he’s now deemed to have a “less than 51% chance of reoffending”.

Epstein released from Hell after announcing he’s transgender.

"We no longer consider Epstein a threat -- he is now stunning and brave," said a representative for the place of eternal punishment. "Hopefully he will be welcomed as the LGBTQ+ hero he now is."

Hellish forces also issued an apology to Epstein for treating him poorly. "We didn't realize he was actually a persecuted member of the marginalized LGBTQ+ community. We hope his story can inspire other criminals and sex offenders to come out."

UPDATE, courtesy of Susie: Dulos declared dead at 5:32. Maybe he can use Epstein’s now-vacant cell, at least until he too can find a wig and some pantyhose.