Harvard summons former National Lampoon editors back to their alma mater to save its $53 billion hedge fund

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Harvard researchers say they might have to lay off workers and euthanize research animals due to funding freeze

“We were going to do it the other way around”, said Cynthia Smedley, Harvard Fund CFO, “but our polls showed that a threat to workers instead of bunny rabbits generated far less sympathy from the public.”