A Tale of Idiot Bars, Sold By An Idiot And Signifying Nothing
/
I’ve never heard of the guy, either, but he claims to have 6 million followers; he also boasts that he has “Zero sponsors telling me what to say”, so you — well, he, actually — can take everything he says to the bank.
In any event. here he is, with a response from someone with a brain and nothing to sell:
I don't want flying cars. I want rivers and ocean I can swim in with friends. I want food that isn't full of toxic chemicals and clean soil to grow it in. I want raw nature and wilderness and places on the earth I can get lost without seeing another human. I want air that isn't "geoengineered" and polluted. Science is cool. Technological advancement is cool, but I don't think this makes us happier as humans. Real human connection and clean, natural food lead to happiness. This I know. Flying cars? I'm not sure. Maybe I am a troglodyte...
— Paul Saladino, MD (@paulsaladinomd) October 16, 2026
And the response:
"I don't want flying cars. I want raw nature and real human connection." Brother… YOU are CURRENTLY SELLING $50 worth of protein bars that were not foraged, not hunted, and not hand-pressed by a village elder at dawn but manufactured in a FACILITY on a production line powered by the electrical grid, sealed in plastic made from petroleum pumped out of the earth by giant drills, boxed, labeled, barcoded, and scanned into an inventory system running on servers cooled by industrial AC units humming 24/7, then loaded onto a DIESEL TRUCK that hauls them down an interstate bulldozed straight through the exact wilderness you want to get lost in (you will not get lost, there is a Buc-ee's), dumped into a sorting hub full of conveyor belts and robotic arms and lasers, thrown onto ANOTHER truck, handed to a mail carrier idling in a van in a cul-de-sac, and dropped on a porch in a cardboard box that gets ripped open in four seconds and tossed in the recycling, all so someone can eat a bar they bought on a phone with a credit card processed in 0.3 seconds by a bank mainframe and then YOU logged on to tell the rest of us technology doesn't make anyone happy, when it's clearly making YOU very happy, and the second someone figures out drone delivery you'll be first in line with your logo on the propellers, so no, you're not a troglodyte, because troglodytes never offered free shipping on orders over $75.
— Matt Van Swol (@mattvanswol) October 17, 2026
continued: …. powered by the electrical grid, sealed in plastic made from petroleum pumped out of the earth by giant drills, boxed, labeled, barcoded, and scanned into an inventory system running on servers cooled by industrial AC units humming 24/7, then loaded onto a DIESEL TRUCK that hauls them down an interstate bulldozed straight through the exact wilderness you want to get lost in (you will not get lost, there is a Buc-ee's), dumped into a sorting hub full of conveyor belts and robotic arms and lasers, thrown onto ANOTHER truck, handed to a mail carrier idling in a van in a cul-de-sac, and dropped on a porch in a cardboard box that gets ripped open in four seconds and tossed in the recycling, all so someone can eat a bar they bought on a phone with a credit card processed in 0.3 seconds by a bank mainframe and then YOU logged on to tell the rest of us technology doesn't make anyone happy, when it's clearly making YOU very happy, and the second someone figures out drone delivery you'll be first in line with your logo on the propellers, so no, you're not a troglodyte, because troglodytes never offered free shipping on orders over $75.
