You probably don't want to know where this 40oz thermos bottle's been, so I won't tell you

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But PJ Media’s Stephen Green suffers from no such compunction and so he’ll tell you, over at Florida Man Friday.

As a note of interest, he reports that ChatGPT declined to calculate the size and capacity of the bottle, but Grok was willing to help. I’ve run into similar barriers with GPT when creating images; many requests are denied on the ground that they “violate our content standards”. Usually, rewording the request to avoid trigger words gets them through, and if not, I go to Grok, although its images are inferior.

Green:

Florida Man with thermos inserted in body caught sneaking it into Polk County Jail

So Florida Man was minding his own business, strolling naked through a Winter Haven park. By the time the police showed up, he'd put his clothes back on. The cops trespassed him out, but decided to give him a break and let him go.

Instead of being grateful, Florida Man walked right back into the park he'd just been trespassed out of, forcing the police's hands.

His in-processing body scan revealed a thermos, as Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd put it, "up the exit ramp." Florida Man had "25 prior arrests and had been to state prison five times," so you'd think he'd know all about cavity searches and such. 

It's unclear exactly when Florida Man put the thermos in the last place you'd want to store any potables, or how long it had been up there. The thermos was, however, considered life-threatening. "We had to take him to the hospital," Judd said. "They had to find a specialist."

Pro Tip: Skip that day in med school so the hospital has to call in somebody else.

Fox13 News reported, "Judd said the deputy likely saved his life even though Florida Man threatened to kill the deputy for arresting him."

I have so many questions, presented below in no particular order:

  • How?

  • Why?

  • HOW?

  • WHY?

  • HOW, Florida Man, and WHY?

I did have one more question that I submitted to Grok along with the x-ray: "Judging by this X-ray, what capacity thermos did Florida Man insert into his rectum? He's a grown adult male of average size."

I had to ask Grok because GPT demurred. Or perhaps it crapped out — you make the call!

Are you ready for some additional TMI? It doesn't matter; you're getting it, anyway:

Based on the X-ray, the thermos appears roughly 12 inches long, spanning from near the pubic symphysis up toward the lower ribs in the pelvic cavity. For an average adult male (about 5'9" tall, with a pelvic height of 18-20 cm and transverse diameter of 11-13 cm), this aligns with standard stainless steel thermos dimensions: a 40 oz model is typically 12.3 inches tall and 3.7 inches in diameter, matching the object's cylindrical shape and width relative to the surrounding bones.

"Common 40 oz thermoses," Grok concluded, "like the Thermos Stainless King, fit this profile exactly."

"40 Oz. to Freedom," baby.

Final thought: Maybe he doesn’t understand how thermoses work and he was just trying to keep it warm.

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.

SCORE: You Hid It WHERE?, Went Viral, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Public Nudity, Resisting Arrest, Someone's Bottom Area, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, and a Bonus Point for the thermos.