I thought it was because they had weak ankles (Updated)

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or is that just hockey?

‘Black women can’t swim because of societal expectations’: Michelle Obama’s viral claim sparks controversy

“Our hair straightener washes out in water”, she explains, without noting that, if whites adopting Phoenician and Greek dreadlocks is (somehow) an act of cultural appropriation of black culture, blacks artificially duplicating white’s straight hair is just as offensive — or would be, if we cared.

bob marley in sparta

UPDATE

Okay, against my better judgment, I read more of what she’d said and apparently, she was forced to use hair straightener because that ol’ Debble White Man made her do it. Only because she got the kinks out of her system was she allowed to attend Princeton, Harvard Law School, land a job as Vice President of Community Affairs at the University of Chicago earning $265,000 in 2006 ($434,000 current dollars) and go on to amass a net worth of $140 million and own a real estate portfolio of four homes, thus proving that America is a racist country, and the Black Man just can’t get ahead.

The properties they own are:

  • Washington, D.C. The Obamas purchased the nine-bedroom, 8,200-square-foot mansion in the exclusive Kalorama neighborhood for $8.1 million in 2017 after renting it for several months.

  • Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts In 2019, they bought a sprawling 29.3-acre, seven-bedroom coastal estate in Edgartown, which had an asking price of nearly $15 million.

  • Chicago, Illinois The couple still owns the six-bedroom, redbrick Georgian home in the Kenwood/Hyde Park neighborhood that they bought for $1.65 million in 2004, before moving into the White House.

  • O'ahu, Hawaii The Obamas are also linked to a large, multi-residence oceanfront compound in Waimanalo, O'ahu. The property, which is actually three separate homes on three acres of land, was purchased by a close friend under an LLC and is rumored to include a residence intended for the Obamas. Barack Obama was reportedly seen visiting the construction site in 2022.

“Let me explain something to white people,” she began.

“Our hair comes out of our head naturally in a curly pattern, so when we’re straightening it to follow your beauty standards, we are trapped by the straightness. That’s why so many of us can’t swim… and we run away from the water. People won’t go to the gym… because we’re trying to keep our hair straight for y’all.”

Oh, please. Literally nobody believes this victimhood fantasy. Who exactly is begging Michelle Obama — or anyone — for hair advice? Who are these mysterious white people supposedly obsessing over black hairstyles? Spoiler alert: They don’t exist. But sure, go ahead and stereotype an entire race while crying about being stereotyped.

“It is exhausting and it’s so expensive and it takes up so much time. Braids are for y’all, so we can work harder and focus on the work,” she claimed.

Wait, WHAT? Braids are… for white people? So Black women style their hair specifically to please… whom, exactly? This makes zero sense, but okay, Michelle, whatever helps you sleep at night in your multimillion-dollar mansion.

But buckle up, because here comes the pièce de résistance:

“So… why do we need an act, a-, g-, an active law to tell white folks to get outta our hair? Don’t— Don’t tell me how to wear my hair. Don’t wonder about it. Don’t touch it. Just don’t.”

Never have. Never will. Couldn’t care less.