Beware of prophecy: The Bee provides tomorrow's story, today

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Fauci spins his handy “wheel of science” to see what he’ll recommend today

WASHINGTON, DC—In a development no one saw coming, Dr. Anthony Fauci has again changed his recommendation about what to do with masks by consulting his tested and proven "Wheel of SCIENCE."

“Now I know it confuses people when the science changes so quickly, as if we are just making all this up as we go along,” explained Dr. Fauci from his bunker full of neckties. “That’s why I developed this handy 'Wheel of SCIENCE' for us to spin every morning, so people can really see that this isn’t just me saying whatever pops into my head!"

"Now-- let's give this puppy a spin!" he exclaimed as he gave the wheel a mighty turn.

“What will it be today, gang?” asked a giddy Dr. Fauci. "'Masks Cause Bladder Cancer?' 'Eating Dirt Prevents Halitosis?' hmmm..." 

The dial slowed, clicking just past "Cover Your Kids With Grocery Bags" and finally came to rest on: "Attach A Live Octopus Directly To Your Face."

“There it is, folks!  Science has proven that the best way to prevent COVID transmission is to affix a live octopus directly over your mouth, nose, and probably eyes.’

Coca-Cola to its lawyers: hire by quota

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Almost there, but that’s a gay trans-opossum, so you lose, Uncle.

Almost there, but that’s a gay trans-opossum, so you lose, Uncle.

Coca-Cola goes for “equity, not equality” in the provision of legal services

Coca-Cola has announced that legal firms must now meet diversity quotas if they wish to represent the company.

"Coke said it will require quarterly reporting about the makeup of legal teams that do work for it and self identify as American Indian, Alaska Native, Asian, Black, women, Hispanic/Latinx, LGBTQ+, Native Hawaiian, Pacific Islander or persons with disabilities," said the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "For those working on new matters for Coke, 'at least 30% of each of billed associate and partner time will be from diverse attorneys, and of such amounts at least half will be from Black attorneys.'"

“We don’t want the best possible legal representation”, Coca-Cola spokesperson Rene Richards told FWIW, “we want intersectionality. We gotta choice between some white chick, top of her class at Harvard, or a black recovering drug addict transvestite in a wheelchair? No contest — we’re going with that colored zir, zie, xiat, whateverthefuck it calls itself.

“And Asians? Not unless they’re a fuckin’ Polynesian trannie in a grass skirt. Otherwise, fuhgeddaboutit — we got too many slots to fill with approved minorities to worry about some gook who’s probably gonna slip our secret documents out in his rice bowl anyway.”

If I were opposing counsel, I’d be licking my chops at the prospect of meeting Coke’s new legal teams in a courtroom. A stock holder? Maybe not so much.

More on Google and its reach

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FWIW’s New Mexico correspondent sent along the above, with this comment:

Here's a screenshot I just took of an ad on Instapundit. I hadn't quite realized the extent of Google's intrusiveness until now; they even know my name and what I'm looking at. Frightening stuff.

Understand, although I’m sure you do, that there’s no sign-in requirement for Instapundit. But Brother Google knows you’re there anyway.

Every then and now

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My mother’s death would be a tragedy; 10,000 of your mothers is a statistic

My mother’s death would be a tragedy; 10,000 of your mothers is a statistic

March 20, 2020, Mario Cuomo, announcing the complete shutdown of New York State: “If everything we do saves just one life, I’ll be happy”.

March 24, 2020: “We’re not gonna put the economy ahead of old people. I don’t want my mother to die, you don’t want your mother to die. No human life is disposable. What is this, some kind of sick Social Darwinism?

January 26, 2021: “Who cares where they died?”

“Ninety-six percent who die are older people with comorbidities, which happens to be the population that lives in nursing homes. It’s continuing today even with all the testing that we’re doing”

“Look, whether a person died in a hospital or died in a nursing home, it’s — people died. People died ….”

“Those same people “are dying today.”

The Biden/Harris team hits the jackpot, and you won't believe what happened next!

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Brewer, Libyan lobbyist, air[ort urinator, Billy Carter

Brewer, Libyan lobbyist, air[ort urinator, Billy Carter

Brother Frank Biden cashes in

Kamala’s stepdaughter Ella Emhoff cashes in; she’s now a fashion model

From the NYT: Ms. Emhoff throws a crocheted grenade at the image of typical D.C. political offspring, with a style that could be termed Wes Anderson chic. In her selfies, she doesn’t wear much makeup and doesn’t carefully blow-dry her naturally curly hair. She shows off her armpit hair and cartoonish tattoos, which include eggs and bacon in the shape of a smiley face and a cow.

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Not even counting Hunter, both families have a track record for this stuff.

This week's reporting isn't the first time Frank Biden has traded on his last name, and he's not the only Biden brother to cash in. 

Joe Biden's youngest brother James, another lobbyist-entrepreneur, has created related issues, including through hedge fund Paradigm Global Advisors. He and Hunter took over the group in 2006.

"Don’t worry about investors,” James Biden reportedly told executives on their first day. “We've got people all around the world who want to invest in Joe Biden.”

Kamala's niece, Meena Harris, published a Kamala-themed children's book in 2020, and a second book released on the eve of the inauguration. She also started her own apparel company specializing in #Resistance swag, including this $52 Anthony Fauci mug. Lawyers for the Biden-Harris transition team were concerned enough to warn the ambitious niece against profiting off her aunt's image.

All in the first week! Stay tuned.

Time for them to change their name to The Babylon Prophet

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August 16, 2020, Babylon Bee: BLM Rioters Awarded Nobel Peace Prize

January 29, 2021, New York Post: Black Lives Matter Movement Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize.

I forget which of those two stories I’m quoting here, but does it matter? We’ll see it repeated soon enough.

OSLO—The Norwegian Nobel Committee has announced the recipients of this year's Nobel Peace Prize: Black Lives Matter peaceful protesters who burned down communities and violently beat all who stood in their way.

BLM protester and Antifa member Bryce Hapley accepted the award on behalf of all the incredibly peaceful protesters across the United States.

"Nobody has done more for peace than these brave peaceful protesters," a Nobel Committee spokesperson said while presenting the award to the young man, clad in all black and wielding a bike lock. "Every thrown brick, every bloodied citizen, and every burned-down low-income housing community represents another step toward world peace."

"This may be the most deserving recipient since Barack Obama."

Hapley immediately hurled the Nobel medal through the window of a nearby Starbucks in the name of peace.

God forbid a soldier be asked to risk her hair health

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Will this helmet give me hat hair?

Will this helmet give me hat hair?

The U.S. Army will loosen restrictions on lipstick, nail polish and protective hairstyles in an effort to promote gender and racial inclusion.

"We're looking at, you know, a future of women that will have healthier hair," Barber, an Army Reserve captain, said. "It's important for us to feel like we can walk into the military ... and feel confident in the way that we look and we're not sacrificing our appearance or our hair health."

With three-quarters of young Americans unfit for military service due to obesity,lack of physical fitness, and lacking “a basic understanding of written and cognitive skills … to complete an organized program’, it makes sense to make the army more attractive to the few young people who do qualify, but it sounds like our armed forces are focused more on feel-good topics like inclusion and transvestitism than on military preparedness. And if those recruits aren’t willing to enlist unless they can be assured that they won’t be risking their “hair health”, will they be willing to risk, you know, their lives? If not, what good are they?

The Chinese must be laughing hysterically.